“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

~ Carl Jung

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Living in the Duality of My Life

It has not been a good weekend.  I spent Saturday morning apply for a job online.   Applying for jobs is not fun and writing cover letters is the worst.  Somehow, no matter how many  online applications I complete, something in the process doesn’t work correctly and I end up in chaos.  What should be a relatively quick process takes me hours.  And then there is the emotional agony of it all.  Once again I am putting myself out there… (hmm, wonder if that is why I screw up the process every time?)

I believe strongly in the power of thinking positively and being optimistic, but the bottom line is this process scares me.  The more I try to deny my fear and focus on the positive aspects of this change, the more I try to see this process as being filled with possibility and opportunity, the more depressed I feel.  Don’t get me wrong, I do think this change in my life opens up new possibilities and opportunities and I am incredibly grateful for my life; but, the process of figuring out what comes next is hard. 

I prefer my life to be predictable.  I prefer to know what comes next.  The unknown scares me.  I went downstairs last night in a black mood to put those dark feelings on paper in my art journal.  I started the process by painting both pages with black gesso and adding the word FEAR in red letters around the page.  This is what evolved over the course of the evening. 

The realization that came to me as I worked on these pages is this.  The more I try to deny my fear, my sadness over the loss of what was, my anger that I find myself here at this time in my life; the worse I feel.  I think this is because when I do this to myself, I add shame over not being more positive to the list.

It is challenging to live in the duality of our feelings, to be present with all of what we think, feel, and experience.  My natural way of being is to swing between the extremes.  I can be positive and up or negative and down.  It is much harder for me to live in the totality of my experience.  So I like this message that arose from my center last night to feel the fear and follow my heart anyway.      

It is so easy for me to accept other people where they are, but so hard for me to give that same level of acceptance to myself, but I am going to try.  Today I am embracing all of this experience – the good and the bad.  Today I am living in the duality that is my life.   


KathrynAntyr said...

My dear, I know your heart is so happy that you are honoring all of your feelings. I hope you are feeling some relief in speaking these words. I love that phrase, "follow your heart anyway." When I name my fears it is as if they are no longer trapped inside. I also look to see what things I can do to fortify my body: a walk, a good night's sleep, fresh food. I also look to pamper myself. Wishing you all the best on your quest for landing a new job. I know how the process can be absolute torture. Your journal is such a wonderful sanctuary for you. Thank you for sharing so honestly and openly. {soul hugs} Ryn

Dottie said...

Thank you for your support and encouragement and for sharing your yourself on your blog as well. I am amazed at how much healing has come from the art journaling and the blogging process. These things would not have come into my life if I were still working the demanding job I had. The things and people we need tend to come into our lives at just the right time. The challenge is trusting the process.
Thanks again. Looking forward to following your journey.

It's All Connected said...

Like you, I expect a lot more of myself than I do of others. I have spells of feeling sorry for myself in the "how did I end up here?" way of thinking. Mostly, I question my life choices and that leads to beating myself up which is awfully self indulgent. It's more productive for me to follow a Zen practice of letting the feeling come in the top of my head and, in it's own time, wash out my feet. I think that is what you did with that art piece. ~ Maureen

Dottie said...

Hi Maureen. I hadn't really thought of it that way, but I do think it is like the mindfulness or Zen principle of accepting the feeling, letting it be, not judging it or holding on to it, just being in the moment. It is amazing how the feelings evolve as I work on the art pieces. Thanks for your thoughts and support

Heather Jacob said...

wow Dottie, this is just awesome ... you express yourself so well and are so authentic in the way you express ALL your feelings ... we all have fear about certain times and events in our lives but many people deny them and actually have FEAR in expressing these deep fears.. you are amazing and loved by many people I am sure ... big hugz to you
your art journal is soooooooooo fabulous .... oozing with love, and emotion ... loveeeeeeeeeeeeee it .. xoxoox

Dottie said...

Heather, Thanks for your comments. I have followed both your blogs for awhile now. I love your art work. Your use of color and your composition are wonderful. Welcome!

Gerrie Johnnic said...

Your journal art is beautiful, I am touched how you can express yourself. I find that when I am down, all my art turns very brown, very dark.....most times I don't realize it, until I get better, step back and look. Think positive and all things will come together for you. hugz

Dottie said...

Thanks Gerrie for your support and encouragement! I am trusting my process and believe it will lead me where I need to be. :)