It has not been a good weekend. I spent Saturday morning apply for a job online. Applying for jobs is not fun and writing cover letters is the worst. Somehow, no matter how many online applications I complete, something in the process doesn’t work correctly and I end up in chaos. What should be a relatively quick process takes me hours. And then there is the emotional agony of it all. Once again I am putting myself out there… (hmm, wonder if that is why I screw up the process every time?)
I believe strongly in the power of thinking positively and being optimistic, but the bottom line is this process scares me. The more I try to deny my fear and focus on the positive aspects of this change, the more I try to see this process as being filled with possibility and opportunity, the more depressed I feel. Don’t get me wrong, I do think this change in my life opens up new possibilities and opportunities and I am incredibly grateful for my life; but, the process of figuring out what comes next is hard.
I prefer my life to be predictable. I prefer to know what comes next. The unknown scares me. I went downstairs last night in a black mood to put those dark feelings on paper in my art journal. I started the process by painting both pages with black gesso and adding the word FEAR in red letters around the page. This is what evolved over the course of the evening.
The realization that came to me as I worked on these pages is this. The more I try to deny my fear, my sadness over the loss of what was, my anger that I find myself here at this time in my life; the worse I feel. I think this is because when I do this to myself, I add shame over not being more positive to the list.
It is challenging to live in the duality of our feelings, to be present with all of what we think, feel, and experience. My natural way of being is to swing between the extremes. I can be positive and up or negative and down. It is much harder for me to live in the totality of my experience. So I like this message that arose from my center last night to feel the fear and follow my heart anyway.
It is so easy for me to accept other people where they are, but so hard for me to give that same level of acceptance to myself, but I am going to try. Today I am embracing all of this experience – the good and the bad. Today I am living in the duality that is my life.