Dance in the Rain

Over the last week, I have been thinking a lot about my word for 2012 – THRIVE.  As the week has progressed, I have become increasingly sad and frustrated; well, really I have descended into the bottomless pit of self pity and despair.    After all, the universe promised me that I would thrive in 2012 and we are almost a quarter into the year.  When is “thrive” going to happen?  I AM WAITING AND I AM READY.

As I thought about this, I had to admit to myself that my life right now is pretty wonderful.  I don’t have a job.  I don’t have any income.  I have to be careful about my spending; but, I do have some pretty amazing things happening in my life.

For the first time in 15 years, I have time to write; and, I love to write.  Journaling connects me with the best part of myself.  I have time to play with art, and have found that combining paint, paper and glue into meaningful designs gives me tremendous joy.  I have time to be both emotionally and physically available to my family members, the people who mean the most to me. 

Before I left my job last July, I thought I was pretty squared away.  Since then, I have had to come to terms with the reality that I still have some growing to do.  I hate change.  I like to know where I am going, to be in control.  I have authority issues; and, I don’t like confrontation.  I don’t like to need others; and, I HATE TO ASK FOR HELP.  I am having the opportunity to work on these issues.  J

I have always said that I want to continue to grow until the day I die, to continue the process of becoming the best person I can be.   I still don’t know where this journey is headed; but, I don’t want to just wait out this storm in my life with my eyes shut, fist clenched, holding my breath.  I want to be open to experience everything that I have before me.  I want to be fully alive, fully present right now in this moment.  I do not want to wait for this storm to pass before I begin to live with my hands wide open and to DANCE in the RAIN.